We all do something stupid ...

Miss Moneypenny - please mark this post personal and make sure you forewarn all and any reader that they may get more than they bargain for here.

I use this blog more like a reflection of who I am, where I've been and where I would like to go more than the original purpose and that was to showcase all the wonderful fiber creations I create. Unfortunately, due to recent developments in my life, I have done neither reflected on my life nor created and I have seen the dark corners of hell that I have drawn myself into and now am in the process of pulling myself out of.

First I would like to let people like Laura know how much I absolutely adore her and thank the powers above that she is my friend and "twin". She is the only one that give my ass a good kick when I need it and hold me up when I stumble. I so am very lucky for you and I will hold your hand if you hold mine!

The reason for all this self indulgence and self "ugh" is that over a year ago there was an Idiot who I thought I was long through with that I thought could no longer hurt me, my family, my dear Robert. But stupid me and my "12 year old heart" didn't know that the moment he decided to grace me again with his presence that every thing I thought would be changed.

I realized that although I am a strong woman, can run a non-profit for the SD Blanket Project (which I apologize I have let lapse because I have been so selfish), be a Business Manager in probably the coolest job with the coolest bosses, and a damn good mother of two great kids ... regardless of all that - I am still learning to accept that I am capable of being loved by one incredible man and that this other Idiot is just a distraction.

I realized yesterday that I do not interact sometime (ok MOST of the time) but REact to people. I don't know what I can do about it but I seriously think that knowing the problem my be the first stop in to solving the problem. And a word of advice ... when an EX comes back into your life, for whatever reason, RUN - do not walk, do not pass GO, DO NOT collect $200 - as fast as you can in the other direction!! There is a reason that these people are ex's and we often forget all the bad - but trust me RUN LIKE HELL!!

So I took to hiding my blog and making it private (which I have now unblocked because I won't hide myself again from anyone), back to knitting last night (augh, I really have to get SHORTER size 11 needles), and we all had burgers and hot dogs on the patio for dinner while we watched the balloons over the San Diego coastline and all 4 of us TALKED. (ok, Stephi didn't like the "when you getting a job Miss I'm 16 now" talk, but hey welcome to being 16!)

I'm going to take the baby steps BACK to my family and friends and DOING my job the best I can, and I can hope that if and when I stumble - cuz I know I will - I'll have folks to hold me up (like this really great guy that has shared the past ohhh 17 years with me and understands that sometimes a hug and holding my hand speaks VOLUMES to what I really need!!)

Ok, Miss Moneypenny, set this post to self-destruct in 5 - 4- 3 - 2 .....